


Your Deep Rest (and all the things that came along with it)

by billbert



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, Regret, Self-Harm, Suicide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:06:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billbert/pseuds/billbert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sans Yamaguchi, Tsukki finds that life is very quiet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

He’d gotten the call from Yamaguchi’s father before school that day. The man’s voice was strained, but not tearful. Tsukishima suspected he’d cried in excess some hours before, and thus had no tears left to give. Though under normal circumstances the lack of tears would be a blessing, it only made the vague phone call more awkward. It was stifling, and Tsukishima only held the phone to his ear out of obligation. He didn’t want to be rude to a suffering man, after all. Not even he was that cold.

The walk to school was peaceful sans Yamaguchi. Tsukishima found he could appreciate music more without the shrill blabbering of his former best friend. The streets were eerie and cold when walked alone, but there was no point in dwelling on it. Tsukishima could feel his blood throbbing against the walls of his veins and arteries, he could feel beads of cold sweat beginning to dot his forehead – but it wasn’t as though anyone would notice, so he continued onwards.

The teachers did not protest when Tsukishima donned his headphones during lectures that day. It was a minor victory of sorts. The silver lining was there, but Tsukishima felt nothing. Under normal circumstances, his lips would’ve curled up into a smirk, knowing the teachers had no power over him right now. But it felt inappropriate to smile today.

Tsukishima didn’t attend practice that day. He didn’t bother letting Daichi or Takeda know. He assumed they’d figure things out soon enough.

He walked straight home – his headphones were on, but his iPod was switched off for the time being. The total silence was a little scary – his brain was on mute, no thoughts bouncing around or scraping at the edges. This wasn’t how he’d imagined that things would be.

 

X

 

He knew little about Yamaguchi’s home life, because the two of them didn’t talk about it that much. Yams always seemed uncomfortable when Tsukishima brought it up, so it was a topic that was avoided. Up until last year, all Tsukishima had known was that Yamaguchi’s mother had died when he was young – the cause was none of his concern, so he’d never asked.

There was a room in Yamaguchi’s house that was off-limits. The door was locked, and it had been locked every single time that Tsukki had been to Yams’ place - ever since they were kids. Tsukishima had never questioned this. He just assumed that it was the storage room, or the father’s office.

It only ever occurred to him that something a little deeper might be hiding within that room when he asked Yamaguchi if he’d ever be able to see its interior. His best friend had blanched at the question, eyebrows knitted together with worry. Tsukki immediately dropped the topic.

 

X

 

Tsukishima knew that Yamaguchi had a bit of a problem regarding self-harm. He’d seen those skinny, freckled thighs a few times before, although Yams made great efforts to keep them hidden. In their final year of junior high, Tsukki had walked in on his best friend getting dressed. He saw the cuts trailing up Yamaguchi’s inner thighs, but he chose to remain silent. It wasn’t any of his business what Yams did to his body. And frankly, bringing it up would’ve probably caused more trouble.

The cuts eventually migrated down Yamaguchi’s legs, until they reached just above the knee. He wore jeans in the summer, and was visibly uncomfortable when wearing his volleyball shorts. Tsukki knew that he wouldn’t want any of the others finding out about his problem, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He figured that things would work themselves out eventually.

Yamaguchi had been crying one day, and though Tsukishima disliked all the noise and snot, he was concerned. And so he asked him what the problem was. Yams heaved a mucus-laden sigh and explained that Sugawara had confronted him about his cuts, hugging him and telling him that _everything was going to be okay._ Yamaguchi claimed that this was the opposite of help and that he hated being lied to like that. Tsukishima didn’t say anything. It really wasn’t his place.

 

X

 

Lying face down on his bed, Tsukishima allowed the silence to take over him. He briefly thought of ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park, and how that song would be absolutely _perfect_ for this edgy moment of his. He allowed himself a brief snicker before realizing that he was probably acting out of line. In all honesty, he had no idea _how_ to act anymore.

Akiteru brought him dinner and patted his back, offering his condolences. It only made things worse. Having someone _acknowledge_ what had happened actually made Tsukishima’s eyes start to water. He shooed his older brother from the room and ate his dinner in silence, blinking the tears away until he was absolutely sure that they were gone.

The food had no taste, despite the fact that his mother had prepared his favorite meal. He dipped a single dino nugget into the little Tupperware of BBQ sauce, but he couldn’t enjoy it. He couldn’t even enjoy his post-dinner scoop of ice cream.

 

X

 

He allowed himself a couple of tears in the shower, seeing as he could pretend it was just excess shower water running down his cheeks. As soon as he felt a sob in his throat, he swallowed it down and blinked the tears away. There was no use in being melodramatic right now. It was too late at night. Whatever emotions were wreaking havoc in his heart right now would sort themselves out as he slept.

Tsukishima tossed and turned, desperate to sleep. He knew that sleep was the only escape from that gnawing in his heart, but every time he closed his eyes, he thought of Yamaguchi. He felt stupid.

He felt helpless.

And so it was in helplessness that he eventually drifted off into the land of slumber, wherein he’d whip his emotions into submission.


	2. You'll be Fine

Yamaguchi’s mother was a beautiful woman. Yamaguchi had a picture of her in his wallet, and Tsukki had seen it several times. She looked just like him – messy brown hair, face covered in freckles, large eyes that seemed to hold a deep sadness. Yams spoke of her very rarely.

He learned later that she had passed away when Yamaguchi was nine years old. It was obvious that his best friend didn’t want to talk about it, and so Tsukishima dropped the subject. It was none of his business. Over the course of their friendship, he assumed that the woman had died of a terminal illness. Perhaps she suffered a great deal, and talking about it would only bring back painful memories for Yamaguchi.

 

X

 

When Yamaguchi came to practice with a black eye, everyone assumed that he’d gotten into a fight. Nishinoya remarked on how manly he looked, and Hinata made highly irritating noises that indicated his great curiosity. Sugawara pulled Yams aside and interrogated him – he suspected domestic abuse or bullying. Tsukki watched his best friend laugh it off nervously.

They had a sleepover at Tsukishima’s place that night.

Once the lights were out, Yamaguchi seemed to grow more confident. He spoke in a hushed tone, and subsequently confided in Tsukishima. He awkwardly explained that he’d given the black eye to himself. Tsukki grew confused as Yamaguchi blabbered away, attempting to justify himself. He mumbled out a little, pathetic phrase – “I think I need help.”

Tsukki knew that Yamaguchi hadn’t meant to say that, and therefore he pretended not to hear it.

 

X

 

There had been one time when the door was unlocked. Tsukishima knew that he shouldn’t open it, but he was very curious. After all, he knew Yamaguchi’s house like the back of his hand – and yet he’d never seen this particular room before.

He figured that it’d be nothing special, and upon first glance, he was right. It was nothing but a bedroom, albeit a very dusty one. Perhaps it was their guest room, and it had gone unused for years. That wouldn’t explain the need to lock it up, but Tsukishima wasn’t bothered to think of another explanation.

 

Slowly, he made his way inside. It was certainly a struggle to keep from coughing – the dust hung in the air like a heavy fog, coating every surface within eyesight. Tsukishima knew he shouldn’t be in here – there was nothing abnormal about the room save for the eerie sensation it gave him. He glanced towards the nightstand, taking notice of the pictures.

Three framed pictures. Family photos – Tsukishima had never seen photos with both of Yamaguchi’s parents present. Tadashi was adorable and chubby-cheeked, and his father looked incredibly happy. Very youthful, too. Nowadays the man looked so rundown it was almost a crime. Yamaguchi’s mother was smiling, but not with any enthusiasm. She looked as though she didn’t particularly want to be there.

 

X

 

Yamaguchi’s father had spoken to Tsukishima alone only a couple of times. Usually these conversations consisted of awkward small talk, but there was one afternoon when the topic had turned to Yams.

Yamaguchi’s father told Tsukishima that he was concerned about his son. He had a difficult time making friends, and he wasn’t very talkative around the house, either. Tsukishima was less than interested (he knew these things already), but he listened out of obligation. Though the topic made Tsukki extremely uncomfortable, the man in front of him began to talk about his wife’s death.

Major depression ran in her family, and she’d taken her own life when she was only thirty years old. It was a sad story, and it made a lot of sense. That was why Yamaguchi was so withdrawn – that was why the spare bedroom was sealed off. Perhaps it held too many memories.

Mr. Yamaguchi was talking to himself at this point, mumbling about how much he adored his son, how much he cared – and how much he feared losing him.

He begged Tsukki to take care of Yams, and Tsukki merely nodded. The man was certainly overdramatic.

 

X

 

Yams was never one for technology. He preferred doing things the old-fashioned way. Tsukishima unfolded and refolded the letter in his hands nervously. He didn’t want to read it.

It had been shoved into the back of his locker, and the only thing that had made Tsukki take notice of it was the little strawberry scratch-n-sniff sticker that was keeping it folded. He knew what it was.

 

X

 

_Tsukki,_

_i’m sorry that i wasn’t the best friend. i was probably pretty annoying most of the time, i know. but i really appreciated you always being there for me when i needed you._

_i’ve always thought that you were really cool. you made me want to be alive, just so i could hang out with you and be your friend. it’s embarrassing to admit this now, but i always had the biggest crush on you. i knew that’d never happen though._

_i’m leaving, and it’s alright that you weren’t there to stop me. i wouldn’t have wanted you to. i just don’t want you to feel any guilt – there’s no reason to. i was never totally happy here, and i think whatever’s waiting for me on the other side is gonna be better for me._

_in another life, i hope we can meet again. i dunno if you believe in that stuff, but i do._

_i really, really love you. it was because of you that i made it this far._

_i’ll miss you._

X

 

It was infuriating. Acting as though he’d gone on vacation, rather than treating the situation with the seriousness that it commanded.

Tsukishima Kei had managed to punch a hole in his wall. Akiteru laughed, thinking it had been accidental. Tsukishima’s mother gave Akiteru a harsh look that demanded silence.

It wasn’t repaired until a few weeks later.


End file.
